


the only love i’ve ever known, the only soul i ever saved, come back to me darling

by phantomrider (Dayna_Jurgens)



Series: After it All [2]
Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: "jianyu" is a really great friend, Angst, F/F, au where eleanor and tahani were soulmates when they were alive, just honestly this is painful painful angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 08:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12527260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dayna_Jurgens/pseuds/phantomrider
Summary: Tahani and Eleanor were soulmates on Earth but not in The Good Place, they try to cope and accept that fact (Part two of 'there's nothing i hear louder than the words i never said' but this time from Tahani's pov). It's painful to watch the love of your life drift away from you when they're so close





	the only love i’ve ever known, the only soul i ever saved, come back to me darling

**Author's Note:**

> Tahani pov of ‘there’s nothing i hear louder than the words i never said’
> 
> also, Tahani is a lesbian and having a man for a soulmate is a special kind of torture for her
> 
> title from ‘Chasing Twisters’ by Delta Rae, sense a pattern yet?
> 
> as always thank you to my best friend for proofreading and smoothing out the edges

Tahani opened her eyes with a start and took in her surroundings, there was so much grey. Too much. She didn’t know if she should be more offended by the horrible drab décor or the fact that she seemed to have been kidnapped, or something of the sort. She had no recollection of how she got here. In fact, the last thing she remembered was riding in the passenger’s seat of Eleanor’s obnoxious, environment killing vehicle. Feeling the rush of anger every time she saw her sister’s name mentioned in the particular editorial she was reading. Then Eleanor patted her knee in sympathy to which she replied that Eleanor should be paying more attention to the road which was met with a trademark Eleanor smile and then… nothing. 

Well not nothing, Eleanor’s smile to a grey, sad room.

It was a significant step down. 

“Tahani?” An older gentleman stuck his head out of a door to her left and she took a step back, still trying to wrap her head around the situation. “Please, follow me, everything will be fine.”

She took a tentative step toward the man and the Mystery Room, she had no other choice, she supposed. Upon entering the room, she saw it was a small, even sadder, office with filing cabinets lining the wall behind the desk and a lot of plants. “Where am I?” 

“You’re in The Good Place.” He must have read the confusion on her face because he elaborated. “When a person dies on Earth they’re taken one of two places. It was decided you belong here, in The Good Place, because of all the generosity you showed on Earth.”

Tahani preened at that. She smoothed her hair and gave her best modest smile, of course she was in The Good Place. Where else would she be? She stopped short. “So… I’m… dead?” Michael nodded. “Can I ask how? The last thing I remember was riding in a vehicle.”

“Yes, well, while you were in the passenger’s seat your driver wasn’t paying attention to the road or the bus coming from the left intersection.” He fiddled with some papers on his desk as Tahani mulled over the words.

Her driver. Eleanor. If she were here then Eleanor must be also, but she was afraid to ask, she knew Eleanor and loved her with every beat of her heart but deep down she knew Eleanor wasn’t a great person. In fact, Eleanor did a lot of bad in her life before they met but it didn’t make Tahani love her any less. She loved her more for learning and growing and trying to become a better person. 

But surely Eleanor had changed enough that she had to be here too.

“Is… is Eleanor here? My driver? Eleanor Shellstrop?” She clenched her fists tight at her sides trying to hide all the anxiety she was feeling. 

“Janet!” Tahani started when a person suddenly popped into the room next to Michael. “Is there an Eleanor Shellstrop in this neighborhood?”

There was a slight pause, a pause that, to Tahani, felt like a millennium. “There is no record of an Eleanor Shellstrop in The Good Place.”

“Oh.” Tahani didn’t know that feeling one’s heart break was actually possible until that moment.

“Thank you, Janet.” With a pop the person disappeared. “Now that’s not to say that she won’t be at some point though, she could have a complicated case and numbers are still being crunched. She could show up at some point.”

Tahani held onto those words like a lifeline. She didn’t know if she could spend an eternity without Eleanor. She didn’t want to spend a day without her on Earth, the possibility of the rest of time without her seemed unbearable. Torturous.

“In the meantime, let’s show you around the neighborhood, shall we?” Tahani was ushered out of the room and into the bright, beautiful, picture perfect neighborhood that was her new home. She appreciated the quaintness of it and how everyone seemed friendly and eager to know her. Of course, there were things that caught her eye that made her frown, like how there were an extraordinary amount of cookie shops (at least they had one that exclusively sold Eleanor’s favorite, she made note to pick some up before she arrived) and the cheesy milk fountain in the center of the town square. It wasn’t exactly Tahani’s paradise, but it was adequate.

“And this is your soulmate, Jianyu.” For the first time in her life Tahani was struck dumb. Soulmate? Surely there was a mistake, Eleanor was her soulmate. Not this… monk? He looked like a monk at least. As nice as he seemed (and he did seem nice, he bowed to her and had a kind, almost simple smile) he wasn’t Eleanor and that was not acceptable. Before she could protest Michael disappeared leaving her alone with a stranger.

***

The days that followed were strained at best and outright nightmarish at worst. Tahani loved her house but she kept getting lost only to be found in a bathroom (always a bathroom, there were so many bathrooms) hours later by Jianyu. He would offer her his hand which she would brush away testily, smooth the front of her dress, and storm out after him. She should feel bad for being so cold, he had as much of a choice about his soulmate as she did, but she couldn’t help it. A piece of her was missing and she didn’t know if she would ever get it back.

Tahani often reflected in those days in the silence of her big house, on the moment of her death. It was the last happy moment she had to cling to and she was going to cling to it for all she was worth. 

Especially if it was the last moment she had with Eleanor.

She felt so comfortable then, how right the moment was. She remembered, just before the blackness, she was never more at peace with herself and her life than in that moment. They had just run to the liquor store for Eleanor’s weekly haul (though it wasn’t nearly as much as that first day, she had cut back quite a lot since they had been together). Tahani always found that weirdly sweet Eleanor would go out of her way to go to the same store. The store where they had met. Now that they had moved in together the store was almost inconvenient to go to but Eleanor always made the trip.

Tahani’s legs were tucked under her in the passenger’s seat, leaning on the center console of the monstrous vehicle with the magazine propped up on her lap. Eleanor’s hand was warming her thigh (she had pushed up Tahani’s dress a couple of inches above her knee just so she could have skin to skin contact and that never failed to make Tahani’s heart race, even after all this time) her thumb traced soothing circles on the inside of her thigh every time Tahani tensed and huffed about seeing Kamilah’s name. 

Tahani was struck then, in the low evening light behind Eleanor’s head. She had never let her guard down like this. Had someone hang on her every word like Eleanor was. Had someone she loved and loved her back. They hadn’t said it yet but she felt it. It was on the tip of her tongue but instead she said, “Do pay more attention to the road, darling, this is just nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense if it’s bothering you babe.” That blinding smile. That smile that made all of Tahani’s anxieties and insecurities vanish. The one that she knew was genuine and real and meant only for her. The one that made her feel like everything was okay and she could just be herself, not the Tahani everyone expected. “Now let’s get home and I’ll make you forget all about that stupid magazine. Watch me beat this yellow light.”

She never got to tell Eleanor how much that moment meant to her. She never got to tell Eleanor she loved her and it was a heavy burden she would carry with her for the rest of eternity.

If only she could see Eleanor one more time.

***

It felt like weeks before she felt okay enough to talk to Jianyu. At first it was a passing hello, to which he would only respond with a slight bow of his head. She was truly grateful for him and the space he allowed her. He never pushed his presence on her and it was only after the first few times they spoke that she realized he never spoke a word since she had known him. At first, she thought it was because he was mad at her for being so cold at first, but she soon caught on to the fact he never spoke. To anyone. Not even a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, but Janet informed her that Jianyu was in fact a Taiwanese monk who took a vow of silence he was even carrying over to the afterlife. 

Surely there must have been a mistake. If there was a whole scientific method to this soulmate business then how did she get paired with the only person in The Good Place who didn’t speak. Another notch in the curious column. 

Already under that column? Why her soulmate was a man. Being with Eleanor on Earth really helped her accept that side of herself, she never broadcasted it, it wasn’t like after her first time with Eleanor she screamed from the top of the building she was a lesbian but she sure as hell wanted to. No, it was a subtle acceptance, Eleanor helped her see that what she felt with men was nothing more than an affection at their attention. She just figured since this whole soulmate thing was real, if she wasn’t with Eleanor then surely it would have been another woman (it wouldn’t have been much better, but it would have made more sense).

She kept quiet though, just filed away these curiosities silently and went about her afterlife.

***

It took another few weeks for her to finally get out of her house and explore her neighborhood. Which actually meant networking, building relationships with these people she would be spending eternity with. She couldn’t care less about the seemingly endless cookie shops (with names, she noted, that would make Eleanor want to throw something), she was more interested in the people and what kind of information they had on this curious place and situation they were all in. 

The frustrating thing was that no one had any answers. Or were particularly adept at dodging the questions. She talked to all of her neighbors and shop owners and started a little system of important people like she had on Earth but still no answers about why some things were the way they were, or if they heard of a woman named Eleanor. So, to take her mind off her spinning thoughts she decided to do the one thing she did best, throw a party. 

A “Welcome to the Neighborhood Tahani and Jianyu” party, since no one else seemed to have one of those planned. And anyway, it would have paled in comparison to hers.

She threw herself into making sure this party was up to Tahani levels of greatness. It was a nice distraction from thinking about all the strange things she noticed going on, and the lack of Eleanor of course. 

Until it wasn’t.

Until she was very certain she spotted a familiar blonde head walking quickly in the other direction, away from the milk fountain, and she was bustled along by the throngs of helpers she enlisted. Hope bloomed in her chest.  _ Eleanor. _ It had to be, she would know that stature, those clothes, that walk anywhere. Eleanor was here and it was only a matter of time before they were together again.

Until they weren’t.

Days passed and she heard nothing from Michael or Janet or Eleanor herself. She was so certain it had been her. She would have bet her house on it, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. She told Jianyu as much and was met with a caring pat on the back and an understanding nod. She appreciated him even more lately, despite not speaking she felt his care and support and he never pushed their relationship past friendship. It was all she could ask.

The more she went out the more she thought she saw Eleanor, in a cookie shop, in the alley between buildings, in the gym (that one surely couldn’t be her). But she was always so close but so far and moving further away. It got to the point where Tahani felt like she was playing Where’s Waldo but with more heartbreaking results. 

On the day of the party she refused to leave the house. She had too much to do and while she longed to just glimpse Maybe-Eleanor it was too close to leave it in the hands of people she really didn’t trust fully. She put the finishing touches on the balloons and petting zoos and all of the tennis courts. She asked Janet for a shrimp cocktail bar because if anything would bring Eleanor around it would be that and soon she stood by the door. Jianyu on her arm, greeting people with the fakest smile she could muster.

Until she thought she caught a glimpse of Maybe-Eleanor by the front door, on her way out.

She chased the shadow to the front lawn only to find it was one of her neighbors from a few blocks over. The hope she felt building in her chest deflated when she fell onto the bench next to her front patio. That was the thing, she was hoping (always hoping) against all odds that Eleanor would somehow make it here with her and this whole soulmate fiasco would be sorted out properly. That somehow Eleanor turned her life around enough to end up in The Good Place with her. Tahani didn’t think that at the end she was Bad Place material, maybe Middle Place (if that were a thing) for sure that, but surely, they had saved each other, turned each other’s lives around so they both ended up here. Eleanor made her a better, calmer person just as she thought she made Eleanor a little more giving, and gave her a sense of decorum. Maybe that wasn’t enough though, maybe she wasn’t enough to save Eleanor, maybe she just was cursed to never be enough. 

She never gave up hope these little sightings she had were more than just wishful thinking though.

The party went on around her, without a single hitch.

***

The only other thing Tahani took pride in and cared about, aside from her fabulous parties, were her gardens. If she had the most lavish house in The Good Place the gardens had to match. Not only that, the flowers reminded her of Eleanor, of their apartment on Earth. Eleanor had put up such a fuss when the first few plants were brought in but soon Tahani noticed Eleanor tending to them, watering them, making sure they had proper sun. Eventually Eleanor was the one bringing Tahani plants for her little office she set up in the corner of their apartment to make things brighter, and it may have taken a while but she admitted, out loud, they made the place smell better. Which is why Tahani took one day a week to maintain the flowers in the front lawn, near the drive. She stepped out that morning in her favorite gardening hat and blue dress, ready for inspection and trimming where necessary. It was The Good Place, however, so of course little had to be done. 

Jianyu stepped out soon after her, as he usually did, to at least keep her company. She loved throwing anecdotes about her life his way and although he would never return words to her, she was grateful for the companionship. He plucked one of her freshest roses and handed it to her, she appreciated the gesture, but her brain was screaming in horror at her now imperfect plant. “Thank you, Jianyu, that’s very kind.” She leaned down and kissed him quickly on the cheek, tucking the flower away in the basket of garden tools at her feet.

That’s when she heard it. A choked sob? No. A gasp? Something in-between definitely and she spun on her heel to face her gate where the sound originated. The air was knocked from her lungs so quickly she thought she may just pass out. There at the end of her drive looking as beautiful as ever was Eleanor.  _ Her Eleanor. _ It felt like the world, stopped just for them.

“Eleanor?” 

But then everything crashed down around her because Eleanor was walking away, practically running away and Tahani couldn’t, wouldn’t, let that happen. Not when she was so close to her own personal Good Place. She took off down her driveway and was thankful for her long legs because in no time she caught up and stopped Eleanor in the middle of her street like one of those terribly romantic movies she made them watch on Earth. “It is you. My god you are real.” Tahani had to touch. She couldn’t stop her hands from moving to every exposed piece of skin she could reach, through the soft golden hair she remembered nightly. It was as if nothing had changed, she cupped Eleanor’s face, and took in those too blue eyes. This right here, with Eleanor in her arms like this, this was her Good Place. “I… I thought I saw you, in the square by that cheap little milk fountain but I thought I was just seeing things. How?” She didn’t know what she was questioning, she didn’t know a lot of things at that moment, she barely remembered how to breathe. 

“Apparently, when you said I should pay more attention to the road I actually should have listened.”

“No, I know  _ that _ how. Michael told me that how. I mean,” She didn’t know what she meant, her mind was going too quickly to make sense of everything.

“Tahani al Jamil at a loss for words. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” A pause. “Well, I guess technically I never did get to  _ live _ to see the day, but you know.” Tahani laughed. It was so wonderfully Eleanor to break the moment with a joke, but there was also something heavy behind it. “So, um, nice place you got here. Very you.” Tahani shrugged, she supposed it was her but a part of her really missed their quaint little apartment back on Earth. Then the bomb dropped at her feet. “Nice soulmate too. He looks like a nice dude.”

Guilt sunk deep in Tahani’s stomach. Guilt for what she had no idea but seeing the pain so clear on Eleanor’s face was too much. “Jianyu. Yes, he’s, he’s a Taiwanese monk. Um, apparently he’s taken a vow of silence because he hasn’t said one word to me since we got here but he’s very kind and doting.” She felt her throat get thick with emotion. This forking soulmate business was complete and utter nonsense. How can he be her soulmate when her real one was standing right in front of her? Her soulmate that was in obvious pain. Pain she wanted so badly to make go away.

But then Eleanor took a step back away from her. “I’m glad, you deserve good things Tahani. Even if I can’t be the one to give them to you. I’m glad you’re not alone.”

“Eleanor, why…” Why was she just walking away? Why didn’t she come here sooner? Why was she looking like she wanted to run? There were so many whys. 

Instead of answering any of them, Eleanor just took another step back and Tahani folded in on herself like she had just been punched. Or a piece of her had been ripped out. Which she supposed in a way it had. “Just, be happy Tahani.”

_ I’m glad you’re not alone.  _ Those words echoed in her head because she felt more alone now than ever. Tahani hated being alone more than anything. Sure, she hated other things, a lot of things actually (for example: her sister; when her celebrity friends were in a feud and she had to choose sides;her sister;when her parties didn’t get the rave reviews they deserved; her bloody sister) but being alone? That was number one. 

And ever since she watched Eleanor walk away from her she felt so achingly alone.

She had her house, she had friends, a neighborhood that adored her, and she had her… well whatever Jianyu was. She still didn’t feel right calling him soulmate, that title was reserved for the woman that left her standing in the street. Tahani supposed it always would be Eleanor, even after everything Michael told her about the algorithm nonsense. But despite having everything she could ever want, she didn’t have Eleanor, and nothing filled that hollow in her chest.

Tahani stood rooted to the spot until she couldn’t see Eleanor anymore and the sun was setting low behind her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard she wished they would. She just wanted Eleanor to turn around, just for a second, to give her some hope to hold on to. Some hope that they weren’t done. That they would hold each other again.

She jumped when she felt a gentle touch on her lower back and shrank away when she saw it was Jianyu. She felt bad about it, really, she did, he treated her kindly and didn’t deserve her hesitations. He didn’t deserve to be pushed away but right now her world was in a tailspin that she couldn’t figure how to right and his presence wasn’t helping.

Tahani gently dabbed her cheeks with her handkerchief and let Jianyu lead her back in the house. “That was Eleanor.” She watched his eyebrows rise in acknowledgement, he knew all about her, he knew all about them on Earth. Tahani talked about Eleanor and their relationship every day since she accepted the situation in which she was placed. 

“Did I ever tell you how we met?” She asked him as he led her to the more private sitting room (which was to say the fourth door on the left when you turned the first right corner, she really did love this house but it was such a maze sometimes). It was a silly question to ask because of course she did, she told every story there ever was to tell about the two of them. But holding Eleanor, even for a fleeting moment just mere moments ago, she needed to do something. Cling to anything she could, the smell of lavender in Eleanor’s hair, the feel of her in her arms, anything. Any memories she could.

“It was a Thursday afternoon in a shabby little liquor store.” She let Jianyu get comfortable on his pillow across from her before she poured them each a cup of tea. She knew neither of them were going to drink it, it was more of a distraction for her hands than anything. “I happened upon this little hole in the wall store and was hoping they would be kind enough to cut the price of some spirits if I bought them in bulk for a fundraiser I was throwing for an environmental cause when I heard this irritated noise from behind me.” She remembered hearing an annoyed scoff at her haggling, a distinct ‘move it or lose it giraffe’ was uttered and Tahani spun on her heel. “Just as I was about to give this person a piece of my mind I was knocked dumb.” She laughed, a sad breathy thing. “I know! Me. Speechless!”

She rolled her eyes at Jianyu’s sarcastic eyebrow raise, he may not speak but her could tell a story with his facial expressions. “I was though because I was face to face with this tiny, beautiful ball of fury.”  _ My god was she beautiful _ . Tahani thought back to that day and felt her heart flutter just as fast now as it did that day. “Just the way her passion flared and her stunning eyes. Oh, it was poetry, Jianyu, I was struck.” She laughed to herself because Eleanor was the only person in the world that could be gorgeous when fighting about her booze.

She took the warm cup in her hands and closed her eyes, picturing the day clearly in her mind. “I wasn’t fool enough to think I would ever see her again. I thought I was forever bound to that dreadful ‘if only’ feeling.” She couldn’t help the smiled that tugged at her lips at the next thought. “It shouldn’t have surprised me when she showed up to the gala. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise at first because she pulled up to an environment gala in the most horrendous air choking vehicle ever created but as soon as I saw her throw her keys at the valet I couldn’t help but laugh. It just felt like it was meant to be.” Tahani still found it funny how destiny worked, that this tiny little ball of fire, this person who was so opposite of me, that stood for just about everything I wanted to change in the world. “She was going to be  _ it _ for me. I knew it deep down.” She put a hand over her heart and opened her eyes to see Jianyu smiling at her. “I was so taken with her bravado I asked her to take me to dinner the following weekend. It remains the best first date I’ve ever been on.”

Jianyu smiled gently at her, in his sweet simple way and she continued. “You know, before Eleanor I had never been in a relationship with a woman.” She paused. “I mean, there had maybe been only one serious relationship before her anyway, he was a Prince of a small island, but that doesn’t matter.” She let the heat from the tea soak into her hands. “I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work, but then I met Eleanor and it all clicked.” She squeezed the cup in her hand, this precious fragile thing, just like she was feeling. “After the first date we continued to see each other, more and more frequently.”

Tahani smiled at the thought. “It was obvious that relationships weren’t a thing Eleanor was familiar with because before she left the morning after our first real date she turned to me and said, ‘hey hot stuff, wanna do this again?’” Tahani’s voice mocked a poor American accent but it made Jianyu choke out a laugh, so it was worth it. “I kissed her on the cheek and sent her on her way.” That may have been a tiny white lie. She may or may not have pulled Eleanor back into her apartment and made out with her like a teenager pressed up against her front door, but what Jianyu didn’t know wouldn’t kill him.

“The first time I introduced her as my girlfriend I thought that was it.” Tahani set the cup of tea back on the tray, undrunk. “I thought she would bolt first chance she got, but she stayed. And not only did she stay, she stood up to my parents.” An incredulous laugh bubbled from her lips remembering the moment. “It was a fundraiser for saving the whales and it was stunning, of course, and every party I threw I would send an invitation my parents’ way just in case.” 

A little half shrug, as if she didn’t care, but she knew her face betrayed her longing for acceptance. “Well they happened to be in town that day, so they showed up and I was just so proud. Just  _ bursting _ , Jianyu! I had this wonderful fundraiser that was on par to be my biggest money-raiser to date, I looked stunning, and I had the most beautiful woman in the room as my date. I had been told as such by several famous actors that night. Everything was wonderful, and my parents showed up without my  _ beloved _ sister.” Her voice choked on the word. “I had to pull Eleanor away from the shrimp, but it was worth it because my parents were there!I was on cloud nine and then I said ‘Mum, Dad, this is my girlfriend Eleanor.’ I felt her tense next to me and I held my breath just waiting for the best thing in my life to leave me like always.” Tahani swallowed hard and thought back to ten minutes ago when she watched Eleanor walk away. The best thing in her life, and afterlife, leaving her, like she was always afraid of. 

“But then my dad said some awful thing, truly horrible. It never bothered them when Kamilah had a girlfriend, but god forbid  _ I  _ was happy. So he finished his nonsense and I waited. I waited for either of them to leave or for Eleanor to run but instead she took my hand, like she had done so many times before, pulled me tight against her and kissed me. Can you imagine? Right there in front of my parents she kissed me for all she was worth. She had insisted I wear flats that night and she wear heels so we were a little more close in height.” Tahani laughed, a sad breathy thing. “And then she pulled me onto the dance floor. That was the last I had ever heard from my parents, and after that I truly didn’t care. I had everything I needed in Eleanor.”

Tahani sighed again, she still hoped that Eleanor had changed her mind and she would be there. “I think that’s enough reminiscing for the night. It’s time to start my night routine.” She rose from the sofa and bid Jianyu a good night. She was thankful her tears held off long enough until she found herself alone in her bedroom. Jianyu was a caring man, and she cried in front of him often, but that didn’t mean she liked doing it. Given the choice she would much rather wallow in her misery by herself.

She crawled into her king-sized bed alone, as she had done every night since arriving here, and let her thoughts wander to Eleanor. She picked up where she left off in the story with Jianyu, this next part wasn’t for him, that night, that memory was for her and Eleanor alone. She reached over to the cold side of her bed, remembering that night after their first date she could almost imagine Eleanor’s warmth in those luxurious sheets with her. 

Tahani closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of Eleanor’s body on hers, of every sense just overwhelmed with everything Eleanor, to the point Tahani thought she would drown. Happily, so. She had never felt so much pleasure all at once, no one had ever made her feel so good. She laced her fingers tight in Eleanor’s soft, golden hair afraid that if she let go it would all go away, the feeling of Eleanor’s tongue on her and the hair in her hands being the only thing to anchor her to the moment. She remembered the shiver and the look in those blue eyes when she came with Eleanor’s name on her lips, like a prayer. A look in those eyes that said she felt something too.

She was too spent to keep her eyes open, but she felt the soft kisses Eleanor placed on her scattered freckles and birthmarks, so reverent, so gentle and caring. So, unlike the firecracker she had encountered at the gala and even on their date. Feelings weren’t a part of this going into the night, Tahani was sure of that, but something shifted, but she really hoped Eleanor couldn’t feel her heart race with every kiss. She didn’t want to be the one to break first.

She opened her eyes to the dim light in her room and the (always) cold side of her bed and felt her eyes burn.

She cried herself to sleep that night as she had every night since she arrived, except now she knew Eleanor was here and her bed was still empty. 

And that was worse.

***

Tahani woke from another restless sleep, chest and eyes still aching from the night before. Except now in addition to the pain she had anger. A deep anger building. How long had Eleanor been here and she never came to look? How could she just walk away from what they had when they were alive? How dare she just assume that Tahani was happy without her? Okay so the last one wasn’t really anger, more disbelief but still. 

Was what they had on Earth even real?

She felt her stomach roll at the thought. Her love, her heart, her everything on Earth, everything she held dear and true. It couldn’t be a lie, she wouldn’t accept that.

Tahani regretfully pulled herself out of her bed, every cell in her body screamed at her to just stay put, that one day wallowing in her bed wouldn’t hurt. But she had seen Eleanor, she didn’t want to stay away, she had gotten a taste and she wanted more.  _ Needed _ more. So she pulled herself out of bed and trudged her way through her morning routine; shower, makeup, and outfit decision one (and two and three, she wanted to look her absolute best). She would call Janet for breakfast but her stomach was too out of sorts that morning to even think about food. Eleanor was the only thing on her mind.

She didn’t even say good morning to Jianyu before she was out the door and heading quickly towards the town center. She had no real idea where Eleanor lived or she would go there but she figured waiting, conveniently, near her favorite cookie place would be a safe bet. So that’s what she did, she found a table outside a shop across the square and sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And at some point during her wait Jianyu showed up with a latte for her and an oversized cookie for himself. And just when she thought it was hopeless she caught a wisp of blonde hair and plaid button down and Tahani was up and at the door behind Eleanor. 

There was so much she wanted to ask, to say, anything to hold onto what little connection she had but Eleanor, as stubborn as ever, ignored her very presence. Not even a glance her way. So Tahani put on her bravest smile, tucked her arm around Jianyu’s, and let him lead the way through the bustling town square.

The next few days were more of the same, Tahani conveniently bumping into Eleanor at cookie shops or the fountain or the place that doubled as a library (which they both knew neither would step foot in otherwise), only to get painfully brushed aside. Tahani wanted to grab her and shake her and ask why she was doing this. Why she wasn’t even trying. But truth be told she was afraid of the answer.

Soon she stopped going to the square every day and instead went once a week for a month. She was numb from head to toe every time she saw Eleanor pointedly not looking her way. 

A week after that she stopped going altogether.

***

“Tahani?” A soft voice from behind her made Tahani jump. She thought she was alone in the house, or Jianyu was there but… “there’s something I should tell you.”

Tahani spun on the chaise to face Jianyu, who actually spoke words to her for the first time since they had been together. “Jianyu?”

“That’s something you should know. My name, isn’t Jianyu, it’s Jason. I’m not a monk, I’m a pre-successful DJ from Jacksonville.” He paused and cupped his hands around his mouth. “Go Jags!” Tahani looked on in horror. “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here, I think this may be some kind of prank show or something. I’m not sure but I just couldn’t lie anymore, not talking is exhausting.”

“Jia- Jason.” Tahani sat up straighter in her seat, suddenly frightened but curious. “We’re dead and this is The Good Pla-”  _ Wait, _ she thought,  _ if Jianyu wasn’t Jianyu, if…  _ she struggled with her thoughts for a second.  _ Bad Place. _ “Jia- Jason. If you’re who you say you are, and Eleanor is...” If Eleanor was here (she loved Eleanor with everything she was but she had to admit The Good Place was probably not the first choice for her), and Jason was Jason and the exact opposite of who they assumed he was. This most assuredly wasn’t The Good Place. She didn’t know what that meant for her and her soul and she really didn’t care. She just felt relief. That meant the soulmate nonsense was just that. Nonsense. She and Jason weren’t meant to be together, obviously, that meant that she and Eleanor were being  _ tortured _ by being separated. Told they couldn’t be together, that everything they had was a lie. Everything suddenly made sense. “This is The Bad Place.” She whispered more to herself.

She’d rather spend an eternity in The Bad Place with Eleanor than one more second without her in supposed paradise.

She stood suddenly, knocking a few throw pillows to the ground. “I have to find Eleano-”

_ SNAP! _

**Author's Note:**

> visit me at elizabethhawkes.tumblr.com 
> 
> drop me some prompts or fluffy scenes i should expand on because next month i plan on writing a ficlet a day for them based on this au
> 
> (and yes there is a part three coming because i can't leave them unhappy, i love them too much, so there's a happy ending for them sometime in the future i just don't know when)


End file.
